A York pub has been named as the safest in the county. The White Hart, on Micklegate, has achieved the “zero bother” standard in the Trident – Safer Bars initiative, the highest rating in the scheme.

As you step through the doors, the pub projects safety. From the moment 20 big lads turn as one, to the first “who the heck are you,” you will never be more confident that you aren’t going to be any bother.

Licensees Philip and Theresa White have introduced various initiatives to reduce bother. Theresa explains: “Let’s say some lad comes in here with a rucksack on, spills someone’s pint. What do you think’s going to happen?”
“Phil’s not going to tickle him is he, he’s not chuffing Ken Dodd!”

Philip adds: “You’ve obviously got to end him. And his pals, and anyone who was stood near him, or looking at you. You’ve got to be prepared to do that before they even get through the door sometimes. Folk know that’s our approach, and like the award says, we have zero bother.”

The approach contrasts with The Islington Wine Bar over the road, whose landlord apparently wants to hire more doormen and talk to customers before they get violent.

Barmaid Amber Ruddlestone, who works at the pub on a zero hours contract while studying economics at university, explained why the White Hart’s approach was better.

She said: “This shows we are an exceptionally safe pub and we did really, really, well in the scheme. I also like how I can work when I want rather than when the pub is busy. What are you supposed to pay for professional doormen with, some magic money tree? Besides, who drinks wine, it’s not sodding Harrogate?!”

Like many satirists, Johnny Wapping accepts he is an arsehole, and thinks society could be better if we were all willing to accept what arseholes we are. If you see him on Facebook, why not ask if he's read the article?