The Prime Minister was taken into protective custody at a secure mental health unit this afternoon, for her own safety.
A spokesperson for Meadows and Flowers, a clinic located on a small islet off the coast of Greenland, released the following statement,
“It’s really cold here. Ms May will feel right at home. In fact, when she stands on the permanently frozen playing field and starts repeating her view of a modern, global Britain, she will spontaneously believe the ice in front of her is green grass and buttercups.”
The surprise action was taken after Ms May opened her mouth in Scotland this afternoon.
Apparently her word salad was meant to be a counterpunch sufficient to knock Nicola Sturgeon back onto her nationalist tail.
However, the Scots gathered to listen quickly decided the Prime Minister of England (and some Welsh) was a basket case and called the local mental health services, fearing for Ms May’s safety should she be allowed to roam free care in the community style.
Quite how long Ms May is to spend staring at icebergs and believing they are charming hillocks of daffodils is uncertain.
But a specialist in Rectocranial-Psycotherapy, Dr. I. N. Credulous gave the Herald the following appraisal,
“You realise I’ve only seen news media footage of the patient? I’ve not personally assessed her?”
We do.
“She’s fucking nuts. She’s not coming back anytime soon. By my estimation she’s now full cranium over Brexit. The addition of the Scottish problem, which, I admit, no one could have foreseen, plus the Irish issue, well, those separate complications are now acting in unison. She’s head, neck and shoulders inside her own arse now. It’ll be nipples by sunset. Total loss.”
The Doctor clarified that there are currently no known methods for dealing with a person’s nipples entering their anus.
“People can often pull their head out of their arse, without the right external support, but not this. This is too much. I wouldn’t even attempt treatment by this stage. Just remove any sharp objects in the vicinity, like executive powers, drug her to her eyeballs and let her be happy in her fictional world.”
