“Theresa May is signalling distress.” Dr. Maca Damia comments, viewing photos of the Prime Minister kneeling by the road just inside Wales.
“Do you see what she has in her hands?”
Dr. Damia is a clinical psychologist who has recently turned to “changing the lives of people in power”, after specialising in canine behaviour for many years.
The Doctor claims to have reconstructed the shouty relationships between dozens of suburbanites and their canine companions.
“When they come to my clinic most of them shouldn’t even own a pet rock.” The doctor comments. “Some of them, by the time they’ve finished my course, they are lion tamers. For a while.”
But what are his thoughts on the PM’s current mental state?
“She is distressed. This is not surprising. She has determined on a path that risks complete dissolution of the United Kingdom. This is why she is holding the sellotape.”
“Imagine looking Her Majesty in the eye each week and not having any answers” he adds.
“Here Queen. See the map of Your Kingdom you keep on your desk? Yeah. Here’s some scissors. Get cutting. Sorry. Rupert told me to do this. It’s not my fault really. I just want to live at No. 10.”
So this explains the reports of strips of tape being found wherever Ms May has been?
“Ritualised behaviour.” Dr. Damia observes. “She’s trying to hold herself and us together. She’s got buckley’s. Without help she’ll be sectioned by the summer.”
Is she a danger to others?
“Not yet. She’s currently only at risk of self harm. She poses no danger to others if you discard minor things like constitutional, economic, diplomatic, political and social damage. Those are really just equivalent to shouting at random strangers on a bus.”
So what signs should we watch for?
“When she switches from sellotape to gaffer tape. That’s when it’s time to run. She’ll have done with swearing then. She’ll be cutting bits off you and trying to tape them back on.”
