Following unsubstantiated wiretapping allegations, president Trump’s press secretary, Sean Spicer, has argued that Trump is the metaphorical president and leader of the free world, rather than the literal one.

“All these things, elections, accusations, tweets, policy statements, executive orders and crazy stuff that he has said – none of these things are meant to be taken literally…” said Spicer. “…Yes, the president is the president, but the presidency itself is just a metaphor. Anyone who thinks they are in for the literal truth has been literally taken in by fake news.”

Asked if he was literally standing there saying things were metaphors, Spicer retorted that he might be metaphorically standing there saying things were literal. “Yes, I’m standing here, attracted to the ground by the force of gravity…”, he conceded, “…but is gravity real? Could it just be a metaphor for other kinds of attraction? What about the attraction millions of rednecks have for Donald? That’s also a powerful force isn’t it?”

When a journalist from Scientific American pointed out that gravity was in fact a scientifically researched and proven force, Spicer promptly banned him from future press conferences.

Millions of Americans are desperately trying to tweet pictures of their ready-to-eat  meals from their microwave ovens after Trump advisor, Kellyanne Conway, told them that “microwaves can turn into cameras”. Amazon, Sanyo and Samsung, are reporting record numbers of microwave ovens being returned for repairs or refunds due to ‘faulty camera functionality’, while other Trump supporters have complained that meals are still cold after being photographed.

Spicer and Conway are both literally and metaphorically morons.

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