In a shock move Sunday UK chancellor Philip Hammond, announced that his first budget on Wednesday will outline plans for a complete end to all funding for the National Health Service in an effort to wean the British public off free healthcare.
Speaking to the Rochdale Herald, Hammondeggs complained that sick people, and proles in general had into the habit of sponging free medicine and medical care off the state, instead of facing up to the fact that they were ill.
“Free healthcare is just creating a dependency culture. We owe it to sick and needy to help them adjust to a life of feeling poorly, with no one to help them” he said, pausing to kick the crutches away from a legless beggar who dared to tug at his trouser leg asking for the price of a cup tea.
“A wrap of smack more like,” sneered the Hammster, grinding his heel on the man’s fingers.
Greenhammondeggs also denied that the cabinet was also looking at plans to end democratic elections on the grounds that it would help the proles get used to the fact that they being ruled by a small group of fence jumping crooks and upper-middle class psychopaths intent on shovelling ever larger amounts of public money into their greedy bottomless pockets.
The surprise announcement comes only days after conservative minister Richard Harrington announced that he was halting the payment of benefits to widows and widowers with young children on the grounds that they should either re-marry, sell their bodies for sex, “or bloody well get used to living as a single parent”.
Harringtonjacket also announced plans for a pilot scheme whereby single mothers on benefits would be auctioned as slaves to wealthy benefactors who might later fall for their charms like in those cheap Victorian melodramas by lady novelists that his dear mamma used to read.
Separately the BBC, has announced that in line with its uncontrolled lurch to the political right it is to work on a number of new joint venture programmes with its near namesake Breibart Broadcasting Corporation.
First to the screens is likely to be a new panel game for conservative back benchers and repeatedly unelectable UKIP candidates to be called “Mock The Weak”, tentatively to be chaired by current secretary of state for health, Jeremy Hunt.
“Jeremy offers the ideal combination of a proven track record in demented condescension and smuggery together with eyes which, if they got any closer together, could shake hands across his nose,” said a BBC spokesman Panellists will be invited to compete to make ever more make snide remarks about the poor, the sick and the needy and to recount long smug anecdotes about how rich and successful they are, how many acres of Tuscany they own and what classic sports car they were driving last time they knocked down a pleb on a pushbike crippling him for life.
“We feel this new programme addresses a segment of the population that has for years been cruelly ignored by programme makers and producers who were all to ready to support ‘so called’ comedians and satirists pouring bile and vitriol on them,” BBC spokesman Colin Hunt (no relation, so he says) told the Herald.
