Southern announced today that the endless years of appalling service were over.

“We’ve been building to this moment.” Someguywhohatespeoplesaid. “And today

I can announce that we’re replacing all our trains.”

It seems the move was prompted by reports that Amnesty International is t petition the UN to investigate Southern for human rights abuses.

Asked if the announcement was timed to divert attention from human rights organisations? The Southern Rail representative was phlegmatic.

“Not connected at all. You know what those bleeding hearts at Amnesty are like. They exaggerate everything. It’s not like we’ve been refusing to take any prisoners? We have hundreds of thousands of captives daily. On trains, or more frequently in buses.”

So what’s the big change then?

“No more suffering on trains. Starting tomorrow each station is to be fitted with a small, windowless room. In the room rail travellers will be hooded, strapped to a table and have water poured over their faces until they believe they’re drowning.”

Normal torture time is expected to be twenty minutes to four hours. It will be dependent on how long you would normally wait for a Southern Rail train

But surely that is just going to send Amnesty nuts?

“No. No. Normal fares will apply.” Someguywhohatespeoplesaid. “The change won’t attract a fare increase to the customer until just after Christmas. Just like every year. We’re not heartless bastards.”

He added, “And discounts will be offered to anyone who shits themselves in despair. We really feel this will reduce the minor issues of overcrowding too.”

Chris Grayling, asked for comment, welcomed the announcement.

“Amnesty need to stick to what they’re good at. They don’t comprehend rail transport in the twenty first century. I approve of Southern’s actions. I would have you know I’ve been applying a lot of pressure, behind the scenes, to bring this about. Personally I’m gagging to get down alongside a whimpering taxpayer. Imagine their surprise to find a Secretary of State laughing at their sense of hopelessness and despair?”

Not much different to normal service then, in spite of the promise of change. Expect your chance to tell Amnesty and the UN your story of modern rail transport soon.