The UK border agency has been given the green light to start deporting the interred remains of people not born in the UK, a spokesman for the Agency confirmed to the Rochdale Herald Monday.
The spokesman confirmed that the Agency has created a special unit, to be known as “the Death Squad” to handle the exhumation and deportation of the remains of anyone not born in the UK who died in the country and who failed to apply for posthumous residency by the deadline of June 15 last year.
“All those who failed to comply with regulations will have their remains exhumed, spat on and smeared with excrement before being shovelled into bin bags and dumped in the English Channel,” explained an anonymous Death Squad official, adjusting his Richard Nixon mask.
“And don’t think that cremation offers an easy get out clause, ashes too will be rounded up and deported and places where ashes are believed to have been scattered will be excavated and the contaminated soil also dumped in the channel,” he added.
Those likely to be among the first wave to be dug up include Sir Alec Issogonis, designer of the Morris Minor and The Mini who was born in Izmir in Turkey where he lived before fleeing to the UK, penniless, with his widowed mother aged 16 and Guglielmo Marconi, who invented radio, in England, having moved there from his native Italy.
“The bloody cheek of it, coming over here and inventing OUR radio,” sneered a grossly obese, tab smoking UKIP supporter in figure hugging ski pants, cheering grave diggers exhuming corpses at a London cemetery yesterday.
“As far as I’m concerned they can take all those bloody stupid little cars and dump them in the channel as well. What’s wrong with BRITISH cars?” she asked slurping a can of Stella McCartney lager and dragging heavily on a Camelstoe extra strength.
Also slated to be disinterred, disrespected and disbarred are recently deceased, much loved actor Andrew Sachs, who portrayed Manuel in Fawlty Towers and was born Andreas Siegfried Sachs in Germany, as well as even more recently deceased singer Peter Sarstedt who was born in India, the masked official explained.
“I can tell you exactly where you’re going, “Peter my lovely”,” he punned.
Others set for the shovel, spit, shit and bin bag treatment are legendary surreal comedian Spike Milligan, who having been born in India to an Irish father was for decades denied a British passport despite having fought in the British army for five years in the second world war, and being hailed as the godfather of alternative comedy and Cliff Richard, real named Harry Webb, another bloody immigrant from India, the official explained.
“And yes we do know that Richard isn’t actually dead yet, just immaculately embalmed,” he said explaining that he given the recent trashing the singer has had at the hands of the tabloid media he doubted anyone would care much.
“Dig ’em up, diss ’em, dump ’em and let the good old English channel sort ’em out, that’s our motto,” he said.
“If they’re REALLY British they’ll be washed back onto Brighton beach,” he explained.