Following the first few weeks of January and the continuation of celebrity deaths, alternative facts and general shitwittery we were granted an exclusive interview with 2017 itself.

In a world first we spoke to the conceptual amount of time as it wanted to make something very clear.

“None of what’s happened so far is my fault pal, zilch. It’s that crazy twat 2016. I don’t know what happened cos I wasn’t around but I’m still well behind. The transition alone is taking up most of my time, it’s a fucking shambles. I don’t know whether I am having a shit or a haircut”

As more celebrities pass and world events seem to get more scary and depressing by the day, 2017 did say that it hoped to have everything back to normal soon. 

“Fingers crossed I clear the backlog soon but am still finding things that muppet did that haven’t been rubber stamped. This is the reason that The white House think 1.5 million turned up on Friday, but they haven’t seen the paperwork on my desk.”

Get monthly highlights in your inbox

Illiterate writer of nonsense. Great at headlines but tail off during the story ;-) Available for weddings funerals and kids parties. Never lie, or do I? Married to a retired supermodel come part time donkey racer. Will work for beer and crisps.