Good guys with guns in America went on the record this morning to complain they’re unfairly getting a bad reputation after failing to prevent the 2078th successive mass shooting since 2,000.

“It’s hardly fair” said Colt Smithenwesson, “I have loads of guns and I practice shooting cans, bottles and roadsigns all the time. Literally all the time.

“I could definitely shoot a bad guy with a gun. It’d be easy, they’re loads bigger than a bottle. The problem is generally they don’t tell us which school or airport they’re going to shoot up. Or when and I’m at work during the day.

“Weekends are difficult too since my two year old, Beretta Smithenwesson, got hold of one of my Armalites and shot her mum in the stomach by accident. I wasn’t around for that either.

“I could definitely shoot a bad guy if I knew where he was going to be in advance. Perhaps on a third Sunday after church if I have a babysitter sorted.”

Pro-gun lobby groups like the NRA were quick to point out that if it weren’t for the deterrence of “good guys” with guns there would probably have been loads more mass shootings.

“There would probably have been loads more mass shootings.” Said Howdy Ousleepatnight, spokeshick for the NRA. “Possibly.”

174,000 Americans have been shot in mass shootings since 1999. Goodness knows how many shootingsvtgere might have been if there weren’t three guns for every man, woman and child in the US.

“The answer to the problem is more guns.” He added.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.