Angela Merkel broke off talks with the EU’s British Security Commissioner this week that were about the worsening crisis affecting the free movement of people.

Reports say that Mrs Merkel could not understand the Oxford educated Julian King – who was appointed by Jean Claude Juncker to deliver a speech on “Priorities and Challenges for the Security Union”.

Problems arose when it transpired that there are no words in German for “clusterfuck”, “buggar’s muddle”, “morons convention” or “omnl-directional shit storm”

The morning had gone better and her translators had no difficulty with terms such as “arrogant”, “Ill conceived”, “poorly planned” and “how you liking us now bitch?”

Further talks planned for tomorrow have been cancelled after the French withdrew.

They stated that their time honoured National Security Policy of putting your fingers in your ears and humming The Marseille has worked pretty well for them in 1940 and they saw no reason to change it.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.