A man in Lancashire this evening accidentally turned on his television this evening to see Donald Trump leading Hillary Clinton in the polls in North Carolina and now definitely won’t sleep

“Oh man this is so much worse than the time I looked at my phone at 4am during the EU Referendum. At least then I was only going to lose four hours of sleep to Facebook.” Steve Dickinson of Middleton told us.

“I haven’t stocked up on enough tinned food and bottled water to survive a Trump Presidency. Is there a 24 hour Lidl in Rochdale? Waitrose used to open quite late but those fucking Liberal Democrats burned it down.”

Trump is leading Clinton in North Carolina, we made Douglas go upstairs and check, but apparently Clinton is leading in Florida by a comfortable 0.2% of the vote.

Apparently it only takes 4 minutes between giving the order to launch a nuclear missile and it leaving the silo.

May I suggest you stock up on Evian.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.