Newsagents and shops where papers are sold all over the UK are being urged by the Health and Safety Executive to take extra precautions when stocking tomorrow’s Daily Mail and Daily Express.
With today’s ruling from the courts that Article 50 cannot be triggered without a parlimentary vote, it is believed that the amount of saliva, bile and hate-semen dripping from the right wing press tomorrow will cause trip hazards across the country, leading to millions of compensation claims.
The HSE issued a statement urging those involved in the transportation of the papers to wear eye masks, gloves and surgical gowns when handling the items to prevent catching streptococcal-moseleyparvovirus, a particularly nasty strain of masturbators blindness disease.
Vendors are advised to leave the papers on the doorstep outside the shop where they were delivered, put up biohazard barriers and let the effluent drain away. Then just put an honesty box out for anyone wanting one. A note explaining the moral ‘honesty’ can also be left.
Those taking one can easily be traced to their lair by following the snail-trail of grease left behind.
