Theresa May has committed to involving all “key stakeholders and significant leaders” in a working group on the UK’s Brexit strategy.

However trouble could be brewing as Nicola Sturgeon has been branded “statistically irrelevant” and “leading a constituency smaller than former Chief Scout Peter Duncan”.

Mrs May’s team have offered her the olive branch of 1st Reserve in case anyone can’t make it or there is “another of those ghastly train strikes”. They would not confirm if this offer included the costs of travel and overnight stay although they did say that any such expenses would not be extended to her personal bagpiper.

Along with Peter Duncan community leaders with larger constituencies included Louis Tomlinson of One Direction, BBC Weather Girl Carol Kirkwood and the Editor of Readers Digest. Controversially Welsh leader Carwyn Jones has also been included on the basis that it was actually the Welsh vote that secured this Tory government the majority.

Mrs Sturgeon is believed to have told close aids that she “really doesn’t give a shit” and, “if they have been meeting, they seem to have come up with 2 tenths of fuck all” in terms of policy or strategy. And all piss taking apart, it’s fairly difficult to argue against that interpretation.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.