Top Tory ministers are expected to announce a three part plan to tackle obesity and food inflation later this week.

“Poor people are fat and lazy” a mystery minister whose name rhymes with Dove told The Herald.

“That bastard Mark Carney is banging on about inflation like it’s a bad thing. These fat fuckers won’t be able to afford to eat soon. A packet of custard creams will be twelve quid by June and think of all the exercise they’ll get foraging for nuts and berries. To think we were going to try to tackle the obesity epidemic with a sugar tax. Inflation is much more effective.”

The plan is to issue benefits recipients with pamphlets about foraging for berries, snares for trapping rodents and birds and to give mandatory lessons in subsistence farming and bin diving to ensure poor people can supplement their tax credits and diets sufficiently to survive 24 months of price inflation.

“There won’t be many fat poor people around by the time we’re out of the EU. There won’t be many cats or dogs about  either to be fair. Or pensioners for that matter.” A bespectacled weasel faced fact free policy maker concluded.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.