Volkswagen announced the launch date for the VW Plannett Fuckerr, their new eco-friendly diesel family saloon today, assuring customers that this is ‘the most environmentally friendly car currently available on the market’.

In the event of a naturally occurring or man-made disaster, special software installed in the car’s central mainframe kicks in, overriding the manual controls and automatically driving the car to the nearest breakers yard to be scrapped, broken down and recycled for its spare parts. 

At the same time, a taxi is automatically called for the driver and any passengers, which, using GPS technology, then takes them to their nearest VW dealership to buy a new VW Plannett Fuckerr at a generous 10% discount off RRP.

Hermann Gelmett, chief project co-ordinator for the Plannett Fuckerr, told us; 

“The benefits of the Plannett Fuckerr are obvious. Recycling is great, everyone knows that, and we are looking at recycling brand new vehicles straight out of the factory showroom, which can only be a good thing, right? Our software is, you may or may not know, second to none; once a natural or unnatural disaster occurs, such as a volcano, tsunami, massive oil tanker spill, two degree rise in global temperature or the death of a major coral reef visible from space, our customers consciences can be salved immediately by knowing that they helped. We’re expecting a lot of disasters in the very near future. A LOT of disasters. And the Planett Fuckerr can only help with that”.

The VW Plannett Fuckerr is just one in a number of international proposals to curb harmful HFC emissions and reduce the steady yet rapid increase in global temperatures, including stopping Indian people buying quite so many fridges come 2026, and politely asking the Chinese if they could maybe think about not consuming quite so much.