David Cameron, pig-fiddling, radish-faced ex-PM has decided to step down as an MP.
Cameron, who nobody has so much as glanced at in Parliament since the recess ended said he was stepping down so as not to be a distraction.
“I don’t want all the focus to be on me,” he shouted through a megaphone while riding a unicycle in a gold lamé leotard, “I want the attention to be on Theresa May! Stop looking at meeeeeee!”
He’d previously claimed that he would remain in his seat until 2020. But the concerned toff was worried that by actually keeping his word on something he would definitely bring far too much attention to himself.
Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson said;
“Golly, if this is some kind of hint then the dish faced pork botherer can piss right off!”
