Researchers at Rochdale Community University have uncovered the first clear links between racism and hair loss among men. 

In an in depth study lasting nearly 2 days, first year students pored through hundreds of right wing Facebook sites and profiles where the user indicates a fondness for the teachings of Enoch Powell and the Daily Mail. Lead researcher Chantelle Bickerdyke explains the findings,

“We had noticed a high proportion of men who appear at Britain First and English Defence League demonstrations sport the polished cue ball look. So we started to frequent the right wing side of Facebook to see if it was physical trend we could exploit for a few easy credits. And it appears that most men who become right wing rapidly suffer hair loss, and in an awful lot of cases become overweight also. Some people point to Donald Trump as an exception to the rule, but that rug isn’t fooling anyone. There’s a big old slap-heed under it.” 

When asked about possible reasons for the changes Chantelle continued, “We believe that it is an evolutionary trait where their bodies are preparing for the nuclear winter they will inevitably bring about, by getting a head start on hair loss and storing fat. It’s as good an explanation as any.”

“It’s important to remember that not all fat bald men are racist. But it appears all racist men are fat and bald. Our next study will be on why all right wing ladies start looking like Zelda from Terrahawks.”