After recent conflicts of conscience for the Mail, yesterday’s news headlines about a little boy from Aleppo in Syria has caused it to disappear in a puff of confusion. 

Recent problems for the Mail involving whether or not to congratulate an immigrant muslim for winning gold for team GB, trying at the same time to condemn salacious images of female flesh then express outrage at it being covered up, pale into insignificance at this latest news. 

The widely shared story of a bloodied little boy caught up in airstrikes in the weapon makers playground of Syria have shocked the world. But when staff tried to write the headline “Boy should stay and fight for his country! Or be given a ticket to safety! Obviously a Scrounger! Humanitarian Crisis! Bombing can get you beach-body ready!”, It’s editor imploded and hacks in the office disappeared up their own bums.  

Mail-Occultists believe that the paper can only be revived on a full moon when the ghost of Enoch Powell is sworn in as Prime Minister. They are not sure what having a ghost as PM will do for house prices though.