After a 112 year wait to prove how good we are at walking slowly around a park Britain’s Justin Rose yesterday casually sealed gold for team GB.

Normally only Britain only excels at events that involve sitting down such as cycling, equestrian, rowing and watching box sets. Britain now rules the world at leisurely strolling.

It came down to the wire though, with Rose (36) being taken all the way to the end by Swedish rambler Henrik Stenson, who showed a massive lack of speed all the way round the Rio parklands. But thankfully, Rose managed to edge out the competition with a masterly display of ambling towards the finish.

Rose told us “I only hope it can inspire a nation of obese children to put down the Pringles and get outside and stroll about pointlessly”.

Illiterate writer of nonsense. Great at headlines but tail off during the story ;-) Available for weddings funerals and kids parties. Never lie, or do I? Married to a retired supermodel come part time donkey racer. Will work for beer and crisps.