Lord Rothermere is expected to file for bankruptcy on Monday after the last of his Daily Mail readers died of apoplexy following the 10,000m at the World Athletics Championships last night.

Ambulances services, already stretched to breaking point, collapsed utterly and completely under the weight of calls from nursing homes reporting old ladies foaming at the mouth and fitting on the floor after discovering that a black Muslim from Somalia had won the 10,000m Gold medal for Britain in sensational fashion.

“We’re not sure if it was the fact that Mo is an immigrant that killed 125,000 pensioners this morning or the fact that the paper had something nice to say about a Muslim.” Said a spokesman for the Department of Health.

“It could have been much worse, if they had chosen to put Farah, who is now the greatest British Track Athlete in history with 3 Olympic Golds, as opposed to a photo of Laura Trot on the cover. She is much prettier to be fair. If they hadn’t, and Express readers had seen it, well it doesn’t bear thinking about.”

Mo now has more medals now than Gabriele Haile Selassie.