In a bizarre twist that no one seems to understand, two unknown divers who were neither Tom Daley nor his synchronised diving partner have won gold for GB in the 3m spring board event at the Rio 2016 Olympics. 
It is believed to be the first time in the history of the modern Olympics that any GB diver besides Tom, aka Little Britain, has done anything of note in the discipline.
Tom, aka Little Britain, aka Nation’s Sweetheart, was unable to comment due to being way too high profile, but a source from within the camp identified only as Daniel had this to say:
“I’m getting really bloody sick of this.”

At time of print, Tom Daley’s synchronised diving partner was also unavailable for comment.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.