Oceans across the globe are feeling decidedly odd today after the entire planet’s population of porpoises and dolphins completely and utterly disappeared overnight.

“I really can’t understand it,” said Oceanographer at Florida’s famous Sea World, Fenchurch Halfrunt, “I only went to refill my coffee and now… they’re all gone! Every last one of ’em! You don’t have a job going at the Herald do you? My coffee is awful but as long as you don’t want me to feed anybody fish…”

The strange and inexplicable disappearance of so many marine animals has sent much of the world into a spin with accusations flying from Russia towards America and vice versa. Some American radio programs are saying this is the work of terrorists who they are calling Narwhal Qaeda.

Meanwhile, a UN spokesperson Cynthia Fitzmelton released a press release that said that information regarding what she referred to as a “Vogon planning directive” would be discussed ina press conference and announcement later today.

Many church leaders and other nutters are saying that they told us (being everyone who isn’t mad) so.

Bowerick Wowbagger, once a leading particle physicist and now leader of The Church Of The Impending Unpleasantness That We’re Probably Going To Be Quite Unspecific About Just In Case, told us “January 20th 2017 is marked in a number of prophecies as the beginning of the End Times and the vague warning I gave last week could well be interpreted as being a prediction of exactly this set of events. If you squint a bit. And ignore a few things. And have a lot of faith. And gullibility.”

Aquaculturist Douglas A Dams, from Oxford said “All we know is that a number of people are reporting seeing the dolphins flying up into the sky and hearing the words ‘Show schlong Anne Frank Fur-ball dish!’ as a psychic message- or something like that. We haven’t actually figured out what the message might be yet.”

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When the aeons of war left the gods dead and the universe decimated, a single duck rose from the ashes and stood for justice and freedom! It wasn't me, that duck, but we look quite bit alike.