Downing Street has just announced that it intends to implement a ‘National Treasure’ preservation scheme, in a bid to avoid any further British legends dying before the end of 2016.
Following an emergency COBRA meeting earlier today, Theresa May outlined plans to round up and place the majority of the remaining celebrities in a hermetically-sealed mansion at an undisclosed location off the south coast.
Sir David Jason, Dame Helen Mirren, Stephen Fry and Dame Maggie Smith are already believed to have been escorted to a five-star quarantine facility in Surrey, whilst efforts continue to locate Joanna Lumley and the remaining Beatles. There are unconfirmed reports that Dame Judi Dench had to be shot with a tranquiliser dart and restrained after attempting to escape under a perimeter fence.
Meanwhile the BBC has confirmed that Sir Bruce Forsyth’s desiccated, animatronic corpse will continue to be wheeled out on special occasions, claiming that the embalming process should ensure his continued presence on television for at least another 40 years.
They denied rumours that Sir David Attenborough almost suffocated when an intern tried to secure him in bubblewrap and stuff him into a straw-lined cardboard box.
A government spokesperson provided that there was no intention to move the Queen into the new facility, stating that she was already “protected to fuck,” though efforts will be made to keep her as far away from Prince Charles as possible, especially around stairs.
