Long held tensions between Orthodox Vegans & followers of it’s subsidiary Fruitarianism about which is the most ethical way of life finally came to a head in spectacular style this morning.
Police were called to disperse a scruffy gathering from the Unicorn Grocery in Chorlton after a tip off from disturbed locals.
Officers arrived on the scene and interupted a group of thin, almost transluscently pale men urinating up a wall.
A shaken local told The Rochdale Herald “It was terrifying. It was like something from South Central L.A. except they all had that annoying affectation where it sounds like every sentence is a question. God, I hate that.”
Vegan high priest Giles Chumley-Borthwaite upped the ante ahead of the much anticipated clash by trashing his opponents “Veganism isn’t just about diet, it’s a way of life, unlike these chumps.
“To say that they are the one true ethical way of living is tantamount to treason. I mean, these idiots don’t even eat Quorn!!!
“Steve Jobs was a fruitarian, and look what happened to him. He never knew the joys of a good old fashioned, unseasoned nut roast. Once I tell them about the time I went to a hemp-basket weaving retreat in Bhutan, they don’t stand a chance. I’ma pop an ethically sourced, free trade cap in their ass.”
Fruitarian overlord Gran E. Smith didn’t hold back on the fighting talk either “I’d ignore that pillock. He’s giving it large about boycotting Tescos for not meeting emissions standards, and he rocked up here in a Range Rover his Daddy bought him after his gap year. It had leather seats and all – he’ll claim they’re hemp, but he’s talking out of his arse. Twat’
The contest is expected to be rescheduled for a week on Tuesday in Morrison’s car park.
