Leading flexitarians have been holding emergency talks about revelations that flexitarianism is just the same as being omnivorous.
Research from Dr Frederick Seddon of Rochdale College shows that humans have been omnivorous for a long time. Exactly how long, the Rochdale Herald couldn’t be bothered researching.
Dr Seddon said, “Flexitarians eat a mixture of meat and plants as part of their diet. Omnivorous animals eat a mixture of meat and plants as part of their diet. Frankly, other than a marketing gimmick it’s hard to see what the difference is.”
Flexitarian Atticus Cherubinum, a Level 72 flexitarian with enhanced Guardian reading credits told us, “When I go out I want plenty of attention. I need at least 25 minutes of the groups attention being on me, validating my existence.
“I’m in a rubbish heterosexual relationship so that’s closed off. I work in an office so there’s nothing remotely interesting about my job.
“Being a vegan won’t work because I like cheese too much and I can’t do vegetarianism because that would mean giving up bacon. So, when I say I’m flexitarian and demand a meal full of really expensive and difficult to source pulses I get a lot of attention. It helps make up for daddy not letting me go to the circus when I was 9.”
Marketing manager, Hugh J Guru said, “We needed a way of marketing vegetarian meals to gullible people. We realised that calling them vegetarian was a waste of time as that just attracts hippies. Bingo! we invented flexitarianism. It’s brilliant because it doesn’t actually entail any real lifestyle changes for people.
“Unless you’re a dog and evolved as a carnivore then you’re not really going to struggle not eating meat for a few days.
“If people want to eat steak on a Friday night they can still do that. But they can also eat vegetarian meals the rest of the weekend just like humans have always managed as they’re omnivorous. The trick was making these people feel special so they’d buy our overpriced vegetarian microwave meals.”
It’s understood that many marketing companies now plan to make oxygen into some sort of commodity by inventing a bunch of exotic sounding diseases. This will allow them to purchase a new line of superedox foods such as £5.99 cabbages.
