Britons who travelled to Syria to fight for the so-called Islamic State will be welcomed back into the country with a FREE roast dinner at Buckingham Palace, the Herald has learned.
The controversial proposal is one of a raft of ‘sweeteners’ being offered by the Government to deter returning fighters from attacking Britain. Although still to be ratified by the Home Office, the plans will see battle-hardened extremists receive a full roast beef dinner at the Royal residence – and potentially even be served a cup of tea by the Queen herself.
“It’s essential that these people are welcomed home with open arms and made to feel that Britain loves them as much as they loved beheading anyone who did not support their perverted worldview,” said a Whitehall source.
“Many of them will have celebrated, and possibly even perpetrated, the most horrific acts of mindless violence against innocent people, but we know that deep down all they really want is a cuddle and for somebody to tell them that they’re special.
“By offering them nice things and asking them politely not to blow anyone up, we’re confident that we can reduce the risk they pose to the general public by at least ten percent.”
The nationwide operation will see returning jihadis offered a range of incentives not to kill people, with a leaked memo suggesting that these will vary depending on the individual’s status and experience. Lower-level inducements will include the ability to jump ahead in bus queues, free National Trust membership, and an assigned member of staff to help them whenever they use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets. At the top end of scale, high-ranking fighters are believed to have been offered spots on Strictly Come Dancing, invited to play for England in the 2018 World Cup, and given exclusive access to Pippa Middleton’s Snapchat account.
A Home Office spokesman told the Herald that the Government was willing to do anything within its means to protect communities from the threat of terrorism.
“I said no such thing,” he said. “What a load of old bollocks. You’ve just made up another stupid story in the hope that idiots will wet themselves with fury and then share it with their bigoted chums.
“Anyone would think you were the Daily fucking Mail.”
