The Government has announced plans to cut costs by putting prisoners in charge of prisons. The announcement comes after the successful conclusion of a recent trial of the system in Wiltshire and Hertfordshire.
The Government Minister in charge couldn’t be contacted for comment as they were busy securing a poolside sun lounger in Palma.
An unpaid intern told us, “It’s a great idea. You look for people with experience of the justice system. Who has more of this than prisoners? Nobody knows how to rehabilitate offenders more than offenders. That’s why they’re the best people for the job.
The prisoners will learn important transferable skills such as power point presentations, how to hit somebody with a baton without bruising them, how to always win at 5 card stud and how to hide in an office and look busy at all times.”
It’s understood that the new system will be brought in immediately with nearly all England’s prisons under prisoner governance by the end of August.
Prisoner Roger told us, “It’s a brilliant idea. My mum said I’d never make anything of myself and now look. I’m in charge of a prison. My first task has been to bring in a collective bargaining agreement on the prices of Spice to ensure everyones needs are catered for. After this I’m going to feng shui the east wing.”
We tried to contact an opposition MP for comment but all we got in response was, “Fuck off. I’m on holiday. The poolside opens in 20 minutes and I need to secure a poolside lounger. I’ll be back in October. Can it wait until then?”
Roger responded with, “Brilliant I’ve worked out where they keep the ladders.”
