Despite being the healthiest individual ever elected to the Presidency, reports are emerging that Donald Trump has tested positive for IQ-19.
Harold Bornstein, Trump’s former personal physician told the Herald. “I can confirm rumors that The President of The United States has tested positive for IQ-19. It is not yet clear when and how he first acquired the intellectual capacity and pigmentation of a carrot, but it’s quite possible that he could have been symptomatic for as long as 73 years.”
“It’s really impossible to say with any degree of confidence as we have no reliable record of his activity prior to May 2009 when he made his first Tweet, but even then he was referring to himself in the third person, so it’s highly probable that he was already as thick as shit then.”
“Mr Trump has instructed his physicians to inform you that his physical strength and stamina are still extraordinary and that his blood pressure is of course astonishingly excellent; perfection in fact. Furthermore, biopsies taken from his nasal cavity have detected nothing more sinister than perfectly benign wax crayons.”
The news has been met with a mixed reception, particularly among the carrot community who object vehemently to the suggestion that they share an intellect with Mr Trump. A spokescarrot for Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, Reg Apiaceae tweeted, “You have got to kidding me! What a fucking cheek, you must mean minus 19! And we’re not that fucking orange!”
Dr Bornstein has apparently since checked the results and has confirmed the missing space. “My bad! It is in fact IQ -19, I hope that the carrots will accept my sincerest apology for any offence caused.”
