A man arrested for what police have described as a “horrific anti-Semitic attack” on the London Underground on Friday has said he was just reading the Labour Party manifesto to some children.

Counsel for the mans defence, Roland Freisler QC told us, “When the police arrested my client they were acting on information from the public that a man was hurling anti-Semitic abuse and reading passages of the Bible to 2 Zionist children on a tube train.”

“What people took to be the Bible was actually the Labour Party election manifesto that had been launched earlier that day. My client was excited about the Labour Party’s chances in the upcoming election and in his excitement he saw the 2 children on the tube and decided to read bits to them.”

“My client isn’t an anti-Semite. Anti-Semitism is redolent of the Nazi’s. My client isn’t a Nazi. A Nazi would have used the word, ‘Jew’. My client used the word, ‘Zionist’. Everyone knows that using the word Zionist means you aren’t a Nazi. My client also used the words, ‘Ersatz Israel’ when addressing the children. This means that his criticism is carefully considered like my client is Moses Mendelssohn or something. It is not coming from a place of bigotry and racial intolerance.”

The incident that took place was broken up when a Muslim woman intervened to tell the man he was being a bell end. This is something that has profoundly confused many overweight, purple-hued men who talk only in capital letters.

Elsewhere The Rochdale Herald has been told that this attack on the magic forest man will not be tolerated and the magic elf people will look to solve us. Apparently, it would be a shame if our office were burnt down.