The Tory Party has pledged that every doorway in Britain will get a free homeless person by 2021.

A spokesman told us, “The Tory Party will not rest until there is a homeless person in every doorway in Britain by January 2021. We have some radical plans to achieve this such as mass conscription into the army. The army seems to be a gateway into homelessness. We’re not sure why that is. One can only assume that it’s because our streets are homes fit for heros.”

A small child we interviewed to pad this article out a bit said, “I really like the idea of having a homeless person living in the doorway of my house. He could teach me secrets like how to communicate in a special homeless person code that he’ll speak. And we’ll go on adventures to the food bank together. It will also be good to know that mum and dad don’t have to buy an expensive draught excluder.”

Homeless person Bill Board told us, “I saw an MP out the other day. He came over and posed to have his photo taken with me and said he’d arrange for something to be done to help me. When I got back the other night he’d had my bed out it the bin and hired someone to fire a hose at me. I wouldn’t mind but I met him when I was serving in Iraq and he couldn’t get enough of us. His idea of one nation appears to include only him.”