Experts have announced that mulled wine is horrible and everyone is celebrating as they no longer have to pretend to like it.

Professor Frederick Seddon of Rochdale College told us, “We performed a double blind study or something. To be honest I’ve forgotten. It was a Friday afternoon and if I don’t come up with some original research soon I’m going to get my funding withdrawn.”

Professor Seddon isn’t alone. Stan Still told us, “Thank God. It’s a terrible drink. You take a perfectly nice red wine, put a load of cloves and other rubbish in it then heat it up. After that you drink it and pretend it’s the nectar of the God’s. Let’s face it, the God’s wouldn’t want it. If they were ordered it they’d immediately set a plague of boils onto you.”

Orla Board told us, “My friends went to a Christmas Market last week and we had mulled wine. To be honest, it was like drinking pot pourri mixed with piccalilli. I offered mine to a starving dog and it refused to drink it. In fact, it pretended to be dead.”

Professor Seddon told us, “Hopefully this research will catch on and everyone will stop pretending mulled wine has some merit.”

Mulled wine, don’t do it.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.