UKIP members are cock-a-hoop at the news that leader Gerald Batman has engaged the services of Tommy Robinson to advise on grooming gangs.

“This is fantastic news” said UKIP voter Cornelius Hardthrasher. “Our quest to return to Victorian values will be much enhanced by Mr Robinson’s expert advice on how to groom children. Ah, the golden days where children were routinely used until they got cast aside like a used antimacassar.”

Party member Roger Benevolent added, “Tommy advising us on setting up our own grooming gangs will help us take back control. None of this foreign muck – British nonces for British kids!” Robinson-Lennon has also been hired to provide advice on prison reform.

The Rochdale Herald has seen a leaked advance draft of his slightly stained white paper which appears to consist solely of the suggestion ‘Unlimited chocolate biscuits for patriots wrongly banged up for jeopardising rape trials.’

It’s alleged that Robinson will also advise on techniques for wooing children. One UKIP member told us, “He got it from some EDL members. I’ve bought some Ariana Grande music, scented oils and tickets for Barry the Carrot. Let the wooing begin.”

UKIP have denied that they’ve been in contact with the Catholic Church to pick up some tips.

The move hasn’t gone down well with Nigel Farage. He has said that he is concerned by the party appealing to Lidl racists whereas UKIP are an aspirational party. Nige aspires to be a more Waitrose type of racist.

It’s not clear when it’s Robinson’s turn to be leader.

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