The new Brexit Secretary, Jeremy Rees-Gove has told hard-line Brexiteers to downplay their expectations.

“It’s become clear that writing something on the side of a bus is no guarantee of achieving it, as we had mistakenly assumed. We should have looked at the example of National Express where the word ‘Express’ has clearly been downgraded from ‘rapid’ to ‘sluggish and with a blocked toilet ‘.”

“Indeed, rather than Brexit generating any financial bonuses, it is clear that the damage caused to drug provision, food supplies, provision of utilities and suicide of anyone whose assets are sterling based, the best we can hope for is to keep the death toll reasonably low. Current predictions are that about 250-300 thousand victims will succumb to what we are now calling ‘terminal Brexit’. About the population of Hull. Possibly actually the population of Hull.”

When we asked we discovered that nobody wants to go to Hull. With their weird white phone boxes and strangely named main road into the city centre we’ll probably not miss it. Time to quit while we’re ahead.

Satire Aid is back!Visit the Satire Aid website.