Jacob Rees-Mogg has attempted to counter accusations that he has no Brexit plan by unveiling one so fancifully insane a Texan jury wouldn’t recommend the death penalty.

One analyst said, “Jacob unveiled his plan to everyone and jaws just dropped. He invited everyone in the room to get behind his nutters version of Brexit. It’s bizarre because even Theresa May’s looks sane in comparison to how far removed from reality this is.”

“The plan will see Britain leave the EU with no deal in place. It will then send envoys to countries the Government wishes to form a trade deal with. The envoys will then demand a favourable trade deal that benefits Britain completely whilst being of no benefit at all to the country being dealt with. If that countries Government then refuse to do what Britain wants it will be flooded with cheap Heroin.”

“Once its population has been reduced to the status of drug addicts gunboats will be deployed to shell the country concerned until it submits. If the country is land locked then specially trained Seagulls will invade and eat all the sandwiches in that country. Once the country has been defeated Rees-Mogg and Farage will personally enter on the backs of Elephants. They will then force the Government of that country to sign a trade deal.”

One MP who was there said, “We were expecting him to put something sensible together but that didn’t happen. There was this really strange bit at the end where Iain Duncan-Smith was replaced with a horse. Jacob then spent the entire time addressing the horse.”

It’s understood that Rees-Mogg intends to reveal his plan for Ireland on Wednesday. One insider said, “There are rumours his solution is to withhold potatoes and settle loads of English Lords in Ireland to force them to accept his terms and conditions.”

 

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Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.