A Russian assassination team who were tasked with assassinating an ex-spy In Rochdale were foiled by a rail replacement bus service and a strike by Northern Rail.

GMP spokesman, Bill Board said, “The assassins flew into Manchester Airport on a Friday afternoon. They then stayed in a hotel until Sunday morning. The attempted to board a Northern Train to Rochdale but it was cancelled so we have them on CCTV hanging around after paying 50 quid for a Sandwich in Boots.”

The pair are seen eating 14 Dairy Milk bars they got when they purchased a copy of The Sunday Telegraph from WH Smith before boarding a train to Rochdale at 12:30.

Bill Board, “They get on the train but it didn’t take its usual route. It stops at Mills Hill and the pair are ushered onto a rail replacement service. The rail replacement service then departed for Chadderton. 2 hours later it arrives at Liverpool Lime Street station as the West Coast line was shut as well. The pair then leave the bus and are seen boarding a further rail replacement service that took them to Glasgow. After that we lose them.”

It’s understood that the remains of the pair were found in on a hillside in Wales after they boarded a rail replacement bus to Newcastle.

Bill Board, “We think what happened was they became so disillusioned with ever getting to their destination that they took their own poison rather than travel on another rail replacement bus service. We’ve since been able to ID them from their finger prints and an imprint they left on a Ginsters Pasty they bought in Penzance.”

It’s hoped that the bodies of the pair will be flown back to Russia but it the coffins have been sat in a traffic jam on the M6 for 4 weeks.