Pope Francis is to have a private audience with Bono to demand to know how to delete U2’s latest album from his iTunes library.

According to a Vatican official, “The Holy Father was preparing the papal iPod for the flight over yesterday when he logged on and discovered U2’s entire back catalogue had been downloaded onto his iTunes account. He demanded to see the Papal Banker who told him there were no transactions listed on his account for the U2 albums. So he e-mailed the iTunes helpdesk. They told him that the albums were being downloaded automatically and free of charge. He went a surprising shade of purple and attempted to kick a passing cat.”

It’s understood that the Pope would look more favourably on U2 had Bono not disappeared up his own backside in the late 80’s.

Our Vatican official told us that the Pope has been unable to remove the albums from his library and will demand that Bono gets them removed. The Pope even performed an exorcism on his iPod last night but even this failed. He now plans to excommunicate Bono on Sunday during a Mass he will give entitled, “Why U2 are Satan’s last Horcrux.”

It’s not known what the Pope likes to listen to but it is known that in quiet moments of jocularity he refers to Ed Sheerhan, U2 and Coldplay as the un-holy triumvirate.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.