Prison authorities in the North West have announced an urgent investigation into why no prisons in the North West made it into the top 10 for acute violence.

A spokesman said, “When you look at the top 10, 6 of them are in Yorkshire. 2 are in Hull which is understandable and 1 is in Doncaster. It’s hard to tell the difference between Doncaster and a prison anyway. But you’d expect Strangeways to be further up that list. The authorities really need to look into why they are no longer in the top 10. If you look back 20 years Strangeways would have been competing with the big London firms. Something has gone wrong and we have to correct that.”

In a sign of how bad the situation is, Big Barry from G Wing wrote to us instead of using a smuggled mobile phone. He told us, “When I first went to Strangeways I was expecting a really happening place. I was expecting riots on the roof, throwing slates at screws, being stormed by the riot squad. You know what I spent yesterday doing?
Tai Chi and discussing how societies expectations of masculinity have led me to become alienated and angry and take up bank robbing. I’ve got aromatherapy tomorrow and tonight’s entertainment is a recording of a Coldplay concert.”

And it’s not just Barry, Gi-yan-tasour told us, “Prison is like being on a Saga holiday. The other day I bought some alcohol from Evad in G Wing. He spent 10 minutes telling me about the aromas and spices and how they’re ethically sourced. Then, if that’s not boring enough, he takes me on a tour of the distillery he’s built in an old shed and discussed the type of wood he stores his stash in and how it imparts the flavour of wood oil and MDF to the drink. I preferred it when you didn’t know if you were going to go blind.”

It’s rumoured that a task force will be sent to Hull to try to pin point why Hull is so depressing. It’s hoped that this knowledge can then be used in order to make prison in the North West violent again.

One insider said, “We need to bring the sense of achievement back to prison life. Doing 8 years has no challenge anymore. Prisoners have a better that 50% chance of not being shanked at all during their time in prison. This needs to stop. For this reason we’re going to visit Doncaster on a Friday night.”

There was some good news in the findings though. The Isis prison on London made the top 10. This despite ISIS only being in charge of the prison for 10 months.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.