Lancashire Fire Brigade have announced they’re considering using the tears of remainers to put out the flames on the top of Saddleworth Moor.

Fire Officer Asif Hose told us, “The fires have been blazing for almost a month now. Everything we’ve tried, beating it off, pouring water from reservoirs have failed. With the heat wave the reservoirs are starting to run low so we need a new source of water. As there’s no rain forecast we’ve been casting around for ideas.”

The Fire Officer went on, “There are several advantages with the tears of remain voters. There’s loads of them so we’ll get the volume of water we need and there’s pretty much an inexhaustible supply. It may be a strategy that finally quenches the flames.”

It’s understood that should the strategy work remainers will be bussed to other areas affected by wild fires and left to cry in those areas to put the flames out.

One Oxfam member told us, “We could fly them to drought hit areas so that they could solve that problem. The deployment of homosexuals doesn’t seem to have the efficacy that it used to. The last gay people we sent out to Saudi Arabia were stoned to death by the locals for not bringing rains.”

It’s understood by the Herald that should the tears of remainers prove a useful tool in the battle against fire then the tears of Tommy Robinson supporters will be utilised. It’s reckoned that there are so many of them that the UK could create a lake big enough to rival Lake Baikal in Russia.

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Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.