US President Donald Trump is to celebrate his second Father’s Day in the White House by having a bath filled with the tears of children forcefully separated from their parents at the US-Mexico border.
According to White House officials, the tears have been collected from the thousands of young children taken from their families by ICE agents over the past six weeks, a practice implemented by the Trump administration in May in an attempt to blackmail Democrats into paying for a border wall.
It is understood that the majority of the tears will come from large vats stored under the cages in the which the children are currently being held, though a significant proportion are said to have been taken directly from the children’s faces as they stood screaming in fear and confusion. ICE agents are reported to have been issued with sponges specifically for this purpose, though many have taken to placing the children into small paddling pools whilst they watch their parents being dragged away in handcuffs.
White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders confirmed that a gilded pedestal bath has been custom-made especially for the occasion, though she denied reports that it was manufactured in China in order to save on costs. Trump himself is said to have designed the bath with a nautical theme and has requested that toys seized from the children are melted down to make him a new fleet of model boats.
“The President would like to thank the hundreds of hard-working border officials who have made this all possible,” Huckabee Sanders told reporters. “However, we would also like to acknowledge the brave members of the Republican party who have chosen not to speak out against the President at this time.
“Their silence, combined with the excellent work of ICE agents across the country, should allow us to fill a whole swimming pool with children’s misery before the start of the summer.”
A White House insider, who asked to remain anonymous, told the Herald that although the ritual sounded unusual, it was not far removed from his normal Father’s Day “treat”.
“He usually gets to celebrate Father’s Day by having a bath in water that’s just been used by Ivanka,” he told our reporter.
“We had to put a stop to that though, as he would drink half the water in the bath and end up wetting the bed during his afternoon nap.”
Critics of the President have described the plans as “abhorrent”, though many have taken comfort in the fact that there will no baths in the maximum-security prison he will probably be sent to when all of his convicted associates sell him out to Robert Mueller.