England is to spend the day celebrating the patron saint of Syphilis today.

Branches of Wetherspoons across the land will be full of obese, gammon faced men talking in capital letters as they celebrate St George by drinking 14 pints of Ruddles and throwing up on themselves.

Tom Walsh told us, “They’ll come in and demand we celebrate it the same way St Patrick’s day is celebrated. We’ll point out that we’ve put some flags up and we’re serving mutton stew. Then they’ll say it’s a shame that you can’t celebrate St George’s day anymore despite being unable to name a single person who has ever been arrested for doing so.”

Barmaid, Jennifer Juniper told us, “I wouldn’t mind but one of the central tenets of being English is being embarrassed at celebrating being English. I’m sure it’s in the Magna Carta. And isn’t St George a Catholic saint? Surely, we stopped celebrating Catholic saint’s years ago.”

Stan Still, 35 told us, “I blame UKIP, Premier League football and Wetherspoons for having to undergo this rubbish every year. Nobody ever used to bother with St George’s day other than eccentric loners your mum told you not to talk to on your way to school. Now you can’t move without people telling you St George was a Syrian, Turkish, Klingon refugee even though none of those countries existed during his life time and he spoke Greek.”

Bill Board said, “I got told I should be a bit more patriotic like the American’s. The American’s would celebrate a turd on a plate if you draped it in the Stars and Stripes. Is that really what we’re aiming for?”

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Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.