Following the sad and untimely death of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman of the US Marine Corps, The Rochdale Herald has obtained an exclusive transcript of a meeting between a young Donald Trump and the drill sergeant during Trump’s application for deferment from service during the Vietnam war.

Gunnery Sgt Hartman – Next!

Donald Trump – Er, yes. That’s me. I’m next. Nobody has ever been more next than me.

GSH – What the…! Who told you you could speak? The first and last words of every sentence will be “Sir!”do you hear me boy?

DT – Er, Sir, yes, of course, sir, and can I just say, and I think you will like this, that I, that is me, know a lot about the Marine Corps. Nobody has ever known as much about the Marine Corps as I do and I’m ready to do my service to this great country of ours, erm, Sir.

GSH – Well it looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your momma’s ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress! I think you’ve been cheated!

DT – Sir, I have been cheated, Sir. There’s this hot chick called Hilary and she’s shacking up with this guy called Bill. I’m totally gutted. She must be crooked.

GSH – What is your major malfunction numbnuts? Didn’t mommy and daddy show you enough attention when you were a child?

DT – Sir, no, sir!

GSH – You like the kind of boy who could suck a golf ball through a garden hose!

DT – Well, Sir, there was this one time at Mar-a-Lago…

GSH – I will give you three seconds, exactly three f**king secinds, to wipe that stupid grin off your face, or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-f**k you!

DT – Well, Sir, there was this one time in a hotel room in Moscow….

GSH – You little scumbag! I’ve got your name! I’ve got your ass! You will not laugh! You will not cry!

DT – Sir, yes, Sir!

GSH – How tall are you?

DT – Sir, five foot nine, Sir!

GSH – Five for nine? I didn’t know they stacked shit that high.

DT – Sir, apparently they do, Sir!

GSH – You’re so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece!

DT – Sir, thank you, Sir! Now, can we get this over with? I’m ready for a spot of lunch and my, er, bone spurs are killing me.

GSH – Well here`s something you won`t like, Private Snowflake! They don`t serve fried chicken and watermelon down in the mess hall every day!

DT – Sir, what about Burger King, Sir?

GSH – Get out of my sight you insignificant little worm. You’re a disgrace to the uniform.

…and that was when Hartman met Trump.

The rest, as they say, is history.

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Thomas Thomas is Sub-Editor for The Rochdale Herald. Thomas is proud to support such causes as "Cornwall for Jam First" and "Drop Scones Not Bombs". His personal motto is "Fuck it, why not?"