Following the sad and untimely death of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman of the US Marine Corps, The Rochdale Herald has obtained an exclusive transcript of a meeting between a young Donald Trump and the drill sergeant during Trump’s application for deferment from service during the Vietnam war.
Gunnery Sgt Hartman – Next!
Donald Trump – Er, yes. That’s me. I’m next. Nobody has ever been more next than me.
GSH – What the…! Who told you you could speak? The first and last words of every sentence will be “Sir!”do you hear me boy?
DT – Er, Sir, yes, of course, sir, and can I just say, and I think you will like this, that I, that is me, know a lot about the Marine Corps. Nobody has ever known as much about the Marine Corps as I do and I’m ready to do my service to this great country of ours, erm, Sir.
GSH – Well it looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your momma’s ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress! I think you’ve been cheated!
DT – Sir, I have been cheated, Sir. There’s this hot chick called Hilary and she’s shacking up with this guy called Bill. I’m totally gutted. She must be crooked.
GSH – What is your major malfunction numbnuts? Didn’t mommy and daddy show you enough attention when you were a child?
DT – Sir, no, sir!
GSH – You like the kind of boy who could suck a golf ball through a garden hose!
DT – Well, Sir, there was this one time at Mar-a-Lago…
GSH – I will give you three seconds, exactly three f**king secinds, to wipe that stupid grin off your face, or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-f**k you!
DT – Well, Sir, there was this one time in a hotel room in Moscow….
GSH – You little scumbag! I’ve got your name! I’ve got your ass! You will not laugh! You will not cry!
DT – Sir, yes, Sir!
GSH – How tall are you?
DT – Sir, five foot nine, Sir!
GSH – Five for nine? I didn’t know they stacked shit that high.
DT – Sir, apparently they do, Sir!
GSH – You’re so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece!
DT – Sir, thank you, Sir! Now, can we get this over with? I’m ready for a spot of lunch and my, er, bone spurs are killing me.
GSH – Well here`s something you won`t like, Private Snowflake! They don`t serve fried chicken and watermelon down in the mess hall every day!
DT – Sir, what about Burger King, Sir?
GSH – Get out of my sight you insignificant little worm. You’re a disgrace to the uniform.
…and that was when Hartman met Trump.
The rest, as they say, is history.