After repeated denials of involvement in the Skripal affair, Vladimir Putin has finally been moved to admit it was a deliberate attack.

Putin was visibly stung by UK Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson’s scripted zinger saying Russia should “go away and shut up”. Depending on your translation preferences, Putin described Williamson variously as “a vulgar old harpy / market wench / fishwife / fish-fag / Private Pike / over-reaching himself since he left the Inbetweeners” adding “we will not go away and we will not shut up.

“Why can’t Russia have a war on dubstep? So what if it was previously popular? The Americans have a War on Terror, by which they mean Muslims. Whereas back in 1988, Americans loved these Mujahideen and made them the heroes in Rambo III, plucky little CIA funded Muslim terrorists fighting against Mother Russia. Now they fight them.

“So double standards to say Russia can’t do same. We Russians don’t care if Skripal previously popular with Russia. We declare war on Skripal and rest of Dubstep artists. We seek return to proper Russian values, dance like Cossack with proper kicking legs, not squat on floor before jump like twat. Tchaikovsky, not man playing music from USB stick wearing animal head. Kill Bond with laser not reach for laser whilst gurning.”

The change in approach has left West London Russians unmoved.

Several confirmed that they had no interest in dubstep and would still keep paying to sit down in VIP whilst listening to insipid commercial house.