A Lancastrian man fed up with the culture of ‘fake brews’ currently sweeping the nation has took it upon himself to show the masses how it’s done.
3-bag brew drinker Stanley Spanner from Clitheroe started the Campaign For Real Brews (CAMRB ) after a harrowing experience at a swanky London Hotel during a business visit lead him to question where everything had gone so wrong for the humble brew.
‘I asked for a brew, and they looked at me like I’d asked for their pin number, so I explained I fancied a cup of tea.’ Spanner recounted.
‘I was then bombarded with an array of bewildering options. Early Grey? Lapland Shoe Song? Apparently there’s even a bloody GREEN tea now!! I had no idea what to do, so, panicking, I went for the Shoe Song, and by heck, it were absolutely rank. It tasted of old socks drying on a radiator boiled in dirty bath water – and to add insult to injury, they charged me a fiver for the pot!!! I were bloody livid!”
‘They don’t do much right in Yorkshire, but they do a bloody good brew – it’s the soil mixed with all the hot air, perfect for growing tea. We’re calling on all proper tea lovers to reject these new fangled fake brews, and stick the time honoured brewing fashion our fore fathers entrusted us to hand down – kettle whistles, leave the bag in until it’s unbearably strong, add a mountain of sugar, then chuck the rest in the sink when you’re done, bag and all. Job done.’
With his militant campaign gaining traction, Spanner confirmed membership packs including a CAMRB pin, 3 x bags of PG tips & a mug emblazoned with the slogan ‘Darjeeling? Give Over!’ were selling well.
Although he stopped short of confirming the good fight would be extended to coffee drinkers. ‘Coffee? Do I look like a bloody Frenchman to you?!”