The UK police have admitted that perhaps they had jumped to a hasty conclusion after coroners concluded that a Russian businessman who strangled himself to death and then hanged himself actually died of natural causes.

According to the coroner involved in the short-lived murder investigation of Mr Glushkov, the former deputy director of the Russian State airline Aeroflot, had been suffering from a long term condition known as Putinitis.

Coincidentally the condition is known to affect people that the President of the Russian Federation Vladimir Putin doesn’t like very much and causes people to die in seemingly mysterious, but actually completely normal and natural ways.

“Putinitis is a completely normal and natural way to die. Symptons include accidentally zipping yourself into a suitcase and locking it from the outside or strangling yourself to death. In some cases it can look like you have radiation poison or that you have been exposed to chemical weapons.”

“All death is natural if you think about it.” A coroner told The Rochdale Herald. “If you didn’t die after drinking a cup full of radioactive waste from plutonium processing facility I’d be pretty worried.

“The fact that everybody who Putin takes a dislikes to eventually keels over in seemingly mysterious, but actually completely normal everyday ways, is actually no big deal and the important thing is that nobody jumps to any hasty conclusions about it.”

“Mr Glushkov had been suffering from Putinitis for some time having avoided extradition to Russia a few years ago. He’s believed to have contracted the condition from his friend Boris Berezovsky and enemy of Vladimir Putin who, coincidentally, also completely naturally strangled himself to death.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.