Following the announcement of the new term ‘wankers dozen’ defined as ‘a Britain First meeting’, the Rochdale Herald has been investigating the story behind the story.

For our first investigation, we have engaged forensic accountant Gordon Bawdum to explain why, with nearly 4 million Facebook followers, the turnout at their high profile meetings are invariably so piss-poor and generally involve the same dozen or so people with faces like pressed ham.

Gordon told us “Well, obviously, first and foremost, not all BF members are actually British. The high number of messages from countries in the intellectual third-world such as ‘Good luck from the USA’; or ‘All the best from Australia’ demonstrates that many followers would have lengthy flights to get to a pub in Sunderland.  Assuming they could even get a passport.”

“Another tranche of BF Facebookers are in fact British but live in Spain, Portugal and other areas where native culture has been brutally suppressed by invading hordes demanding egg and chips, Stella Artois and ‘proper tea’ (which is theft, culturally at least).  These people have probably sworn never again to set foot in, as they would no doubt put it ‘the dear old East End, well it’s more like Londonistan now’.  Or it is possible that their doctor has advised them against travelling back to the U.K. for fear they may explode with hypocrisy.”

“I further estimate there are many thousands of current members who are actually dead, having succumbed to the usual risk factors attributable to xenophobia, including old age, obesity, apoplexy and mobility scooter incidents.”

“It is also true to say that the cloak and dagger self-aggrandisement nature of the ‘secret’ directions to the event cause befuddlement to a proportion of those trying to attend.  Giving cryptic multi-layered directions to people who have had to have ‘left’ and ‘rite’ tattooed on their knuckles is probably self defeating.”

Gordon concluded “But by far the biggest factor, which accounts for at least 2.2 million, or over half, of their Facebook likes not being able to show up is the unwillingness of Pakistani, Indian, Sri Lankan etc click farm workers to take one of their three days a year off to travel to a shithole in North eastern England.”

In our second report, to be published shortly, our investigative reporter Webastian Sleazeball (not his real name) reports on his undercover attendance at Britain First’s recent meeting in the attractive Wearside village of Sunderland.

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