GMP Saddleworth were last night were conducting a full manhunt, as the spate of gender neutral snow beings being cruelly desecrated with a carrot penis and coal testies continues unabated.
Helicopters were recalled from a seperate hunt, for another local deviant who scribbled ‘TWATFLAPS’ on the side of a fresian cow, at 4am this morning to aide the search.
Dave and Julie Crompton, who reported the crime after a smashed avocado breakfast and light morning yoga were visibly shaken, but ruled out their snot nosed son Charlie, 4.
“We’ve long impressed the importance of non gender assumption on Charles, so it’s definitely not him. Whoever did this has some serious mansplaining to do!”
Chief James B Bumble urged residents to stay calm, but remain vigilant to catch the rapscallion.
“As you’ll appreciate, emergency service resources in the area are stretched to the max, with avocado finger slicing rife, and 20 public disagreements pertaining to the Lancashire-Yorkshire border every hour, so we’re relying on a certain level of self policing from the public.”
“Maybe you notice coal has gone missing from the fireplace, or your loved one has come up with more carrots than usual. Whatever the circumstances, do not approach this deranged individual, call 999.”
Bumble then craned his neck towards the offending gebetalia before chuckling. “It is quite funny though.”
He has since been relieved of his duties.
