Washington DC – A seventy year primitive primate that can mimic human words such as hello, bigly, braggadocios, and covfefe is thought to be the first of its kind to be elected to the presidency of the United States of America.
The large bottomed ape learned to “speak” a handful of human words by copying a fox news presenter whilst rummaging through bins outside a Sharper Image electronics store in Manhattan in the 1990’s.
The animal’s repertoire includes the words “Ivanka”, “would be my girlfriend” and “grab em by the pussy”.
Whales and dolphins are among a very few species of animals other than humans that can learn to produce a novel sound just by hearing it.
“It’s very unusual in mammals other than humans,” said Dr Ben Jerelbo of Rochdale Community University, a co-researcher on the study.
“Humans are obviously good at it but mammals who aren’t sentient and don’t recognise themselves when they look at themselves in the mirror aren’t.”
“It’s very unusual for a fat ape to learn enough words to make a passable effort at delivering a State of the Union Address.”
“The fact that he’s making these noises shouldn’t be mistaken for him understanding what any of these words actually mean.”
The researchers set out to discover whether sex mad primates with low impulse control could learn new vocalisations by imitating others.
He was taught to speak human words through his blowhole and can be heard in recordings mimicking words, counting to three and blowing raspberries.
They have, however been unable to stop him humping the legs of furniture and throwing his own faeces.