Theresa May the UK Prime Minister recently announced Tracey Crouch as new Minister of Loneliness.

Speaking exclusively to the Rochdale Herald’s Political correspondent in her sparsely furnished office in Westminster surrounded by takeaway cartons and empty bottles. She revealed her pain. “I have my meals here by myself.” She admitted her voice breaking. “Nobody comes by.” Said the new Minister, reaching for the packet of fags on the paperless desk.

“We have a meeting to discuss our day ahead and then we all go to our own offices.”

“I see the Prime Minster once a week then that’s it I’m on my own again. She never calls me unless she’s looking for something. Usually then it’s the wrong number as they never changed the extension line number from Department of UFO Sightings to Deparmentt of Loneliness.”

“Sometimes I wish my fellow EU peers also had Ministers of Loneliness then I wouldn’t be so alone.”

“I used to have loads of mates when I was Minister for Sport.”

“All I have now for company is my cat who also doubles as my PA. The highlight of my day is when the meals on wheels people stop by with a microwave lasagne and some cheese and onion crisps. They only stop for fifteen minutes though. It’s terribly lonely.”

“It’s a bit of a shock when you go from having a lovely sociable department like sport and suddenly you are thrust into a new place in a strange environment.”

“Nobody seems to be able to tell me what my actual job is.”

“I suppose Theresa knows best.” Her voice trailed off. Looking absently out the window.