An angry Rochdale man who swore to friends and relatives he wanted nothing except “maybe a skip” for all the stuff he already owns has disowned everyone he knows and is planning a move to Burnley to start life anew. 

“I didn’t even get a pair of socks from my mother…what does she think she is playing at,” said Franklin Knowsottajoint, a consumer advice expert at Rochdale Borough Council.

“Nobody ever listens to or believes what I say at work, but all of a sudden everyone I know takes it as gospel when I say I want nothing for Christmas. It stinks,” said Knowsottajoint.

He said it was austerity, Brexit,the Conservative Party and Donald Trump who were to blame for the vacuum beneath his Yuletide tree.       ”

Nobody knows what to believe anymore what with Trump banging on about fake news and the lying, cheating Tory bastards making up shit about all the money we are going to have after Brexit,” he said.

“I know I repeatedly said I didn’t want anything for Christmas, but I wasn’t serious. I wanted all sorts of stuff…I just didn’t want to sound greedy when there are loads of poor people who wouldn’t be getting any presents at all,”said Mr. Knowsottajoint.      ”

And now after you smart-asses at The Rochdale Herald raised £175 Grand to buy 26,000 gifts for needy people, I appear to be the only person in the country to get f***all for Christmas.”

Mr. Knowsottajoint said his family and supposed friends could “p***off” because he was off to a new life in Burnley where there were more people who recognised a good lie when they heard one.

As the old Burnley saying goes,said Knowsottajoint, “it takes one to know one.”