A large scale riot has erupted, leaving two police officers in critical condition and requiring a joint effort between the police and Army reserves.

At approximately eleven o’clock this morning, emergency services were dispatched to a supermarket on Colne Road, Burnley. The initial response was to investigate the stores tripped alarm system and several calls from the public reporting anti social behaviour.

It has been confirmed that moments after arriving, both officers were assaulted; both are currently at the East Lancashire Hospital in a critical condition.

Dennis Fisher who was present at the scene said “I called the police when I saw some chap get pushed through the store window. When they turned up things had already gotten out of control, a full frozen leg of lamb was thrown through the police car window as they turned into the car park causing them to veer off and crash into the trolley hut. The car immediately burst into flames, poor buggers didn’t stand a chance.”

Lieutenant Steve Dickinson of 4th Battalion the Duke of Lancaster’s Regiment told the Rochdale Herald:

“The carnage has spread outwards like wildfire. Paramedics and firefighters have been pulled out for their own safety. We have cars smashed up and overturned, bricks and bottles being thrown at passing traffic and brawls erupting in the middle of the road.

“Junctions ten to eleven on the M65 have been closed, with highway patrol setting up blocks one mile in either direction and the Army reserves have created a ring with 300 yard radius. We are awaiting confirmation from the Secretary of State, to use all necessary force to pacify the situation.”

It is believed the riot started due to limited availability of Prosecco and bucks fizz, which were being sold on promotion for New Year’s Eve.

19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.